An honest post....

I have no idea truly who reads this blog except those who comment, so before you read this, just know this is going to be a very honest post.....it's been a rough day and half. I say half because I've been up since 430AM, and was only able to go to bed a little before 1am. To put it point blank, I am tired. I am tired and I am emotional - they don't usually go well together, but that's where I am at.

Yesterday started out with going to the hospital at 9 to get Matthew's catheter out. The resident that did it was nice enough, but I was very annoyed at the fact he didn't wash his hands before or after he touched Matthew, and that he cut Matthew with the scissors he was using to cut his splint off....come on now, he's got enough to heal without adding a cut into it. Chris and I didn't know what to expect when the dressing came off.........but, wow! No wonder the little guy hurt!!! Now, we have to use Neosporine twice a day to open the meatus for 10 days and Vaseline his diapers so nothing sticks to them. Not so bad....Well, after that was done, we tried taking Matthew to do fun things like feed the ducks and get a sprinkle donut, as well as make a stop at Target which he loves but he just wasn't into doing anything but being held. We got home, and I thought for sure he would nap for a few hours. After all, he was exhausted and shouldn't kids sleep when they are that tired??? Haha....I wish. Instead his poor little body went into his episodes, and his Mommy and Daddy just got very upset 1) because we can't control them and 2)because we are exhausted ourselves. Then add the fact that my endometriosis has been kicking in full speed ahead and you really get one emotionally drained Mommy. I then decided to try to take Matthew to the grocery store thinking he would like to ride in his car cart he likes so much........wrong, he decided it was then time for Mommy to hold him so he could fall asleep.......made for a long, heavy shopping trip. Daddy was home cleaning out the garage so at least he was productive> Back home, we could do nothing to console Matthew so we gave him some pain medication and got him to eat for the first time, but he just cried and whined and needed to be held. He got his nighttime medications around 745, and we were thinking he'd be asleep by 9. Well, even if he wanted to be asleep his episodes were in full gear until almost 1am........add that to an already drained Mommy and Daddy.....Oh, 1AM and finally sleeping, thank goodness. Wait, it's only 430AM and he's up already having more episodes and crying??? Oh no.....even tried some extra Benadryl thinking that might give us a little bit of time for sleep to no success. And, in all actuality we'd rather him be up playing than having his ongoing episodes..........but still, it's hard to want to play cars and trains when I am so tired and feeling lousy........

OK, now I am have whined some - I don't think it made me feel better, but I guess I wanted to recognize that I am maybe normal to feel this way at times? I feel guilty as a new Mom feeling exasperated at times, especially to a child that has so many needs at this time - and I know I am just exhausted this morning, and needed a good cry, but it's still hard. We just want our baby to be better, we want someone to figure out these neurological episodes that are heartwrenching to watch....he truly is the love of our lives, and we just want to help him in all the ways we possibly can.